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10 Oktober 2009
Still tired today, but more irritable than depressed. Not sure if that's really an improvement. I'm definitely feeling closer to ready to get the new novel going -- just in time for NaNo. If I can finish a draft again this year, I'll have two novels to work on during December and January, plus the rewrites I've been thinking of for my trilogy.
Just that I'm thinking of writing I think is a step in the right direction... the only question is, how long will it last? How long until the next downswing? Which of course sparks off my anxiety. Food-wise, I'm doing fine. No binges in a couple of days, but I don't think it counts, because I haven't had access to trigger foods. We don't really have any groceries in the house, and I don't have any money to go to the store. That's a good thing, but it's not guarantee that I have my bingeing under control, just that I don't have the opportunity to lose control.
I should get back to work before I fret myself into a panic attack.
I wanted to keep this forum thread about "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth. I can't afford to buy it, my library system doesn't have it, so I'm trying to learn as much about it as I can by other means.
http://www.fatsecret.com/Community.aspx?pa=fp&m=36848#36848
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09 Oktober 2009
Deeply depressed today. At least partly tied to dreary weather. Also slept weird last night. I'm not even hungry today, which is a bad sign as far as my depression is concerned, but is a nice break from the binge compulsion I've been dealing with for weeks now. I don't really want to do anything today, so I'm trying to figure out how to go food shopping tomorrow instead. Any excuse not to leave the house. Not to leave the couch. I just want to sit, drink coffee and mope.
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08 Oktober 2009
Very down again today. Can't even seem to get enough gumption to get up and go for a walk. Had an anxiety attack in the afternoon, brought on by the chaos of three televisions and all kinds of crazy activities in the house. I couldn't seem to relax, so I took an extra 1/4 Xanax. He prescribed 1 1/2 for every day, but I haven't been taking the 1/2 unless I really need it.
Now it's 6 pm and I'm tired and ready to go to bed. Good dinner, though. Had a good eating day over all today, probably because there are no trigger foods in the house.
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06 Oktober 2009
Dreary day today. Very stressed out and feeling down at the same time. Want to just stay home and loaf/mope, but too much to do. Have errands to run and chores to do for mom, then have to go see dad in the hospital. I just don't have the energy or will to care about what I eat lately. Whatever is around gets eaten. I haven't been bingeing, which is a step in the right direction, but I haven't made any real effort to eat well or exercise either. I can't beat myself up over it right now. I'm still struggling to find a balance, and deal with the fact that the future is uncertain as far as Dad's health goes. There may be major adjustments ahead. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about being forced to go back to work, although I haven't been able to in almost four years. I have to at least give disability a shot, no matter what my PA says. We'll see what happens.
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05 Oktober 2009
Things are really tough right now. My own health, both physical and emotional, is poor, plus my dad is in the hospital in failing health. Which makes my mother, who already suffers from anxiety, a total mess. I am trying to hold it together as best that I can, but I feel almost paralyzed, and more and more I hear myself saying "Food is the only good thing I have right now." Which isn't 100% true, of course -- I have other good things in my life. But it feels like everything is so fleeting, and food is ALWAYS good. It never lets me down.
Hello compulsion. You're a tough habit to break. I just have to keep going forward. Focus on my successes and not so much the ways that I don't reach my goals. I need to start writing again and get some income coming in. I need to hold on.
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