Jurnal Maidenmeadow , 07 Feb 14

People look at me and all they see is a morbidly obese woman. For the longest time I saw something else...but now all I see is my larger than life frame too. My shadow casts itself on the ground and people disappear into it as they walk past me....or worse, they stop and stand beside me and I get to see just how much larger, how much more "obese" my form is compared to theirs. Everything I do leaves me short of breath, doing the laundry, taking a shower, walking across the parking lot into a store. Anything more taxing then that, like walking at a quick pace to keep up with my husband, who doesn't understand "why I walk so slow", or even walking up the smallest slant of a hill, not only leaves me breathless but also gives me a mind shattering headache that grips my eyeballs like forceps, my heart quickens to a rep that causes me to hear the pressure in my ears with the waves of my blood pumping through my heart..whoosh, whoosh, whoosh...

Everything makes me sweat. It could be -10 degrees outside and I would still feel the moisture collect between my heavy thighs and across my furrowed brow as I stumble through the snow praying my weight doesn't collapse my ankles as I reluctantly try to muck my way through the white hell my thinner counter parts are walking so effortlessly on, as I myself, sink with every heavy ladened step to the bottom. My weight causes me to be clumsy, I have knocked down countless things by accident with my humongous body parts, my arm flaps, my back end, my never ending stomach. It never stops being embarrassing, even when no one else is around to witness it but me. I'm covered in bruises from not fitting into regular spots created for regular sized people. That bruise on my arm? I dropped a pen between two chairs in a waiting room. A normal sized arm would have easily fit through the opening and plucked up the pen...but my arms are far from what could be considered a normal size. To reach the pen I must lodge my arm between the chairs as far as I can. The pain from the bite of the plastic against my skin brings tears to my eyes as the soft mounds of my fleshy arm press into the chair, leaving a red indent and later a bruise. My fingers barely reach the pen and I accidentally release a heartfelt grunt as I contemplate my last effort lunge to snatch the thin object up. People in the room are watching me, "what a joke", they think to themselves...."Why doesn't she just get up and reach under the chair for the pen" they ask themselves.... I could do that, but then you would have to watch my struggle to get down to the pens level and then back up on my feet, and trust me, that's a whole lot worse than just watching me gnarl my arm up in a much too tight vise of chairs.

If I am standing and there are empty chairs around me, I'll tell you It's because I want to stand....but the truth is I will probably not fit in the chairs provided, or, I'm worried they look too weak to hold my weight. Even worse, I fit well enough, but my fat overlaps them everywhere and it hurts...especially if the chair has arms on it, which causes me to constantly change my position to relieve the pressure on my overbearing flesh that is pressing deep into the chair arms and overflowing anywhere and everywhere the thick folds can get a release. When I do sit my legs/feet fall asleep due to my own weight restricting my circulation. My hip bones seem to "drop" and misplace themselves as my bottom is compressed by all the weight from above. I try to get up but the searing pain causes me to stumble and grab on to objects as I try to lift some of my weight off my screaming pelvis and grinding knees. It takes me several steps to gain my bearings and even then all I can think about is when I can sit down again and relieve some of the pain.

I never thought I'd get this big, losing control starts in small non-subtle ways...removing full length mirrors from your life because of your insecurities, looking away from anything your humongous reflection flashes across like glass doors and strategically placed mirrors throughout stores, asking those around you to do simple tasks that you could do yourself but don't want to because your feet hurt from a hard day at work, eating larger portions because you've missed a meal, or eating more frequently because you're bored, stressed or depressed....it catches up with you. I have been over weight most of my life. I don't know how to be anything but overweight...so noticing I'd gained a pound here and there was lost on me. I don't know what it's like to get out of a chair without having to using my arms to heave my body up and forward. I don't know what it's like to walk into a store and have my choice of clothes because I fit in the normal size category. I don't remember what it feels like to run, jump or climb without the repercussions of a mighty weight on flimsy bones and weak muscles. No, I never thought I'd get this big....every inch of me hurts every moment of every day.... I now weigh close to 400lbs and if I don't make a drastic change in my life, then before I know it, I'll be 600lbs....800lbs....and I would have barely blinked an eye.

I'm not fat because I'm lazy or disgusting or sick...I'm fat because it's all I know how to be.

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3151 kkal

Lemak: 132,60g | Prot: 96,57g | Karb: 406,43g.   Makan Pagi: Coffee with Cream and Sugar, Coffee with Cream and Sugar, International Delight French Vanilla Coffee Creamer, International Delight French Vanilla Coffee Creamer. Makan Siang: Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Makan Malam: Cooked Peas and Corn, Ground Beef (Cooked), Ground Beef (Cooked), White Rice (Long-Grain, Cooked), White Rice (Long-Grain, Cooked), White Rice (Long-Grain, Cooked). Camilan/Lainnya: Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies. lagi...

4313 kkal

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