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I told my husband I wanted a divorce tonight.
It's almost 3am, here I sit awake in my hotel room (traveling for business as usual) needing to get up in a few hours. We separated last March when he left me the day after St Patrick's Day while I was taking a nap, yes taking a nap. I know, who does that right. It left me emotionally devastated & set me into a downward spiral.
We decided in to try to work things out & get back together (never moving back in together yet though) & then I found out some things I don't think I can get past.
Rather than being strong & walking away I guess I decided to continue to try to work things out thinking no one else would want me. I continued to self destruct.
Long story short, a lot of things have happened this week, but over the years dealing with a step-daughter in & out of rehab, addicted to drugs, alcohol & shop-lifting who's family continues to enable her while my marriage is put on the back burner doesn't help me much & never will. Nor did it Monday morning when my husband called me to tell me he was taking money out of our account to bail her out of jail for a DWI yet refuses to even ask her to pay it back. Says she needs to save her money. For what, more drugs & alcohol? I feel like I've had an epiphany this past week.
After my last visit with my counselor who I just recently started seeing when I started my new weight loss plan, I told him I felt like I had been an embarrassment to my family with the decisions I had made in my life. He somehow made me realize it was me who was ashamed of myself & the decisions I had made & not my family who loves me dearly. They always have & always will & only want me to be healthy & happy.
I never could understand why after my husband left me I blocked the world out, stopped communicating with my friends, gained 50 more lbs., slumped into a deeper depression thinking I would die if my husband didn't take me back once he did agree to work things out, I continued to self destruct, gaining even more weight almost becoming immobile.
Again, after we agreed to work things out & I let my wall down again letting him in emotionally until I found out some shocking things he had been doing while we were apart that again devastated me. It was like it was not even the same person I ever knew. His excuse was that he was drinking & we weren't together during those times & these were several different things over many different occasions, not just a one time thing.
This leads back to my epiphany. I think I finally realized this week I was continuing to self destruct because I was self sabotaging myself disgusted even at myself for not having enough self worth to want better for myself. So tonight I finally did it. I said it, I want a divorce, whew. Then I cried myself to sleep. I know it's for the best. I did love him, I am no longer in love with him. I'm scared & I'm tired but I have to be strong & continue my path forward to a healthier me both emotionally & physically and have hopes for a happy healthy future.
Again, sorry if my posts are back & forth all over the place. Just randomly speaking from the heart. Things I am too embarrassed to tell my friends or family. I know I don't need to keep it in anymore, before I was eating these words instead of releasing them.
Good night journal & new friends. If anyone is reading, thanks for taking the time & good luck on your journey as well. Goodnight & God bless.
Back to sleep I go.
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 Komentar
Hope you get some rest. Here is to your happy and healthy future.
09 Agu 10 oleh anggota: nurseb45
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You know, you will likely struggle with this decision...did I do the right thing? should I really get a divorce? guilt, shame, even embarrassment - and all very difficult emotionally - BUT - from the sounds of it, you are a very STRONG person. It took way more to stay and try - than to have given up years ago. Sometimes when the timing is right, life just puts the pieces together for you so that you can see clearly what you need to do - and when. I know this sucks. And it may continue to suck for a little while longer. But YOU are so totally worth having a life YOU want, that You can be proud of, that allows YOU to choose the things, people and events that will bring happiness to YOU!!! It's not selfish or wrong - it's actually healthy - for you to want to bring your world back to a place of balance. My best advice to you is to stay in that place where you will no longer accept YOURSELF being self destructive to you. What is best for you? I don't know. But you do. And whatever that is...be it physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional...YOU do have the inner strength to put YOU first...and come out on top!!! I am so sorry you are going through this, but wishing you the best this world has to offer in the days to come...choose wisely for YOU...and down the road you will be in a much better place in the end. Good luck in your journey as well. Be blessed.
09 Agu 10 oleh anggota: jsfantome
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Hugs to you, softheart. Take care of yourself.
09 Agu 10 oleh anggota: WoosahRN
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That's alot to share w/ people you don't know & I'm glad you did instead of stuffing it inside & eating it away. Congrats on the decision, as hard as it may have been. It's not going to be easy, but you've decided to put you first & that is very important. I wish you the best in all your endeavors. Take care of yourself, you deserve it! *Big Hugs* = )
09 Agu 10 oleh anggota: Evil_Angel_Shay
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Thank you for your replies. It is not & will not be easy I know. I know I will vary in my decision & wonder if I have made the right one but I feel that I know if I stay what the future holds. It was hard to come on here & share these things with people I don't know. I felt encouraged by reading a few other posts periodically & realized what an emotional journey & has been, still is & always will be for us all. I know it is better to get these feelings out rather than keeping them in & I thank you so much for your support & kind words. It helps to know I am surrounded by the strength of others. Thanks again, Kimberly
09 Agu 10 oleh anggota: Softheart
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