Jurnal Softheart

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09 Agustus 2010

I told my husband I wanted a divorce tonight.

It's almost 3am, here I sit awake in my hotel room (traveling for business as usual) needing to get up in a few hours. We separated last March when he left me the day after St Patrick's Day while I was taking a nap, yes taking a nap. I know, who does that right. It left me emotionally devastated & set me into a downward spiral.

We decided in to try to work things out & get back together (never moving back in together yet though) & then I found out some things I don't think I can get past.

Rather than being strong & walking away I guess I decided to continue to try to work things out thinking no one else would want me. I continued to self destruct.

Long story short, a lot of things have happened this week, but over the years dealing with a step-daughter in & out of rehab, addicted to drugs, alcohol & shop-lifting who's family continues to enable her while my marriage is put on the back burner doesn't help me much & never will. Nor did it Monday morning when my husband called me to tell me he was taking money out of our account to bail her out of jail for a DWI yet refuses to even ask her to pay it back. Says she needs to save her money. For what, more drugs & alcohol? I feel like I've had an epiphany this past week.

After my last visit with my counselor who I just recently started seeing when I started my new weight loss plan, I told him I felt like I had been an embarrassment to my family with the decisions I had made in my life. He somehow made me realize it was me who was ashamed of myself & the decisions I had made & not my family who loves me dearly. They always have & always will & only want me to be healthy & happy.

I never could understand why after my husband left me I blocked the world out, stopped communicating with my friends, gained 50 more lbs., slumped into a deeper depression thinking I would die if my husband didn't take me back once he did agree to work things out, I continued to self destruct, gaining even more weight almost becoming immobile.

Again, after we agreed to work things out & I let my wall down again letting him in emotionally until I found out some shocking things he had been doing while we were apart that again devastated me. It was like it was not even the same person I ever knew. His excuse was that he was drinking & we weren't together during those times & these were several different things over many different occasions, not just a one time thing.

This leads back to my epiphany. I think I finally realized this week I was continuing to self destruct because I was self sabotaging myself disgusted even at myself for not having enough self worth to want better for myself. So tonight I finally did it. I said it, I want a divorce, whew. Then I cried myself to sleep. I know it's for the best. I did love him, I am no longer in love with him. I'm scared & I'm tired but I have to be strong & continue my path forward to a healthier me both emotionally & physically and have hopes for a happy healthy future.

Again, sorry if my posts are back & forth all over the place. Just randomly speaking from the heart. Things I am too embarrassed to tell my friends or family. I know I don't need to keep it in anymore, before I was eating these words instead of releasing them.

Good night journal & new friends. If anyone is reading, thanks for taking the time & good luck on your journey as well. Goodnight & God bless.

Back to sleep I go.

(5 komentar)

09 Agustus 2010

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
174,6 kg	3,2 kg	61,2 kg	Cukup Baik

Tambahkan Komentar Kehilangan 1,1 kg dalam 1 minggu

03 Agustus 2010

I owe, I owe, off to work I go. Already failed this morning on keeping my mouth shut (not for food) but I think I will try to implement something else into my new lifestyle this week. I seem to be on a whirlwind of an emotional roller coaster with having to try to deal with these new emotions I was used to eating & now expressing them which when I do in anger I really don't like. I think I am going to try (God willing) to take a deep breath every time I want to say something in anger & stop and think before I speak & be thankful for everything I have. This is a big new step for me. Wish me luck!

Have a good day all & strength to all who need it today : )

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03 Agustus 2010

Berat badan:	Sejauh ini Berkurang:	Sisa:	Diet diikuti:
175,5 kg	2,3 kg	62,1 kg	Cukup Baik

Tambahkan Komentar Kehilangan 6,4 kg dalam 1 minggu

02 Agustus 2010

Long but stressful day. Thank God for work to make it go by quickly.
My strength was tested today. I think I passed in not eating my emotions, now just to work on keeping my mouth not only shut to food but word. Even though some deserve to hear the truth there comes a time to realize that "You never change things by fighting the existing reality", you must accept it & move forward. That's my goal for tomorrow. Tough one for me!

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