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In an effort to stay on track, here's my journal entry for the day (Sat, Dec 17th).
Out of Control Eating. That sums up my day. Yesterday i cooked chicken for the weekend, i was all geared up to get back on track. I was even thinking about getting serious and food journaling now, instead of waiting for the first of the year. Then i got to work and told people about the pumpkin spice cake muffins i made. I demonstrated (several times) how good they were with butter cream frosting. But then i had a great salad with my chicken and it felt good to being eating healthy. But out came the caramel popcorn. And the chex mix. Of course, i had to have my good high protein breakfast. . .
I ate ALL day even though I wasn't hungry. I asked myself if that cake was worth it? And i asked myself 'why?' All i could come up with was that i wanted it. Was it comfort eating? Was it "-ation" eating - frustration, menstruation, etc? Maybe. But all i could think was, "its good and i want it!" And I was absolutely miserable. Bloated, pants tight, indigestion, etc. And yet, I kept eating. and some of it was healthy - almonds - but I wasn't hungry.
TMI Alert!
The only thing I can say in my defense is that perhaps it's partially because I'm constipated. I've noticed sometimes I'm compelled to overeat in that situation and I wonder if it's a subconcious attempt to get things moving. Also, I started my period full force yesterday (16th). I went 3 months with no period, had one, then 2 weeks later (9th) started having a tinge of color which lasted a week. Then full period yesterday. Obviously my system is out of whack.
I'm under a tremendous amount of stress - 2 jobs, worried about my sons emotional health, finances, house repairs, etc I feel quite desperate, really. Very intense. At the same time I also want to distance myself emotionally. I feel helpless about my living situation, about my son, etc. It almost feels like if I can distance myself that it won't hurt as bad when the "inevitable' happens. I've got to do something - but what?!?
No wonder I'm eating out of control.
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