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So this is my 5th week watching what i eat, trying to make healthier choices and of course trying to get back to a wieght that makes me feel healthy, confident, beautiful and like myself again. I started 1/3/11 and today i woke up and i weigh 200 pounds so I have lost 16 pounds, i cannot wait to be under 200 pounds and i promise myself right here right now that i will NEVER let myself get there again. I feel so much better, im feeling like myself again, my clothes are fitting me, im wearing these jeans that 5 weeks ago i convinced myself were "broken" because the zipper kept going down every time i moved and i spent my whole day zipping up my pants, not even a safety pin would hold them up but today, 16 pounds lighter i have had no problems with the zipper, i still have to lift them up here and there but hey progress not perfection right. Im not going to lie, the first 5 weeks were not easy, i hated making these changes, i still felt depressed, like isolating myself, tired and i didnt feel like anything was changing. But for whatever reason this week the 5th week has been a great week, i feel more energetic, more beautiful, more social, and better than antyhing else, closer to my LORD GOD and saviour then i have felt in a long time. I understood as i continued to overeat that overeating is a sin and ANY sin seperates me from my GOD, i repented every day and every time i overate but i had no desire to change, no desire to stop. When I prayed for a desire to change and stop i felt like GOD wasnt hearing me or that i was still doing something wrong, i began distancing myself from my King not wanting to but becasue the more i hate myself the more barriers i put in front of me that stop those i love from coming in, so even though my GOD stays the same yesterday today and tomorrow, i was changing, i was putting up my barriers shutting out everyone so that i can hate myself by myself, thats exactly were the enemy wants me and thats exactly when i need to make a decision and it took me a while but im back, i slowly began to take down the barriers i built myself and now my head is looking over my barriers with a hope that one day they will all be broken down. As I look , i notice that my GOD never left me, hes been there waiting for me all this time, and he will never leave me no matter how many barriers i put up or bring down. I feel so grateful, so loved and so blessed right now and i just want to remember this feeling, remember that hating myself does nothing but take me away from everything that makes me feel good, and overeating and gaininig wieght is the easiest way to get myself there, im not doing this because i want to look a certain way, im doing this because i want to feel a certain way, i want to feel my KINGS presence not just know its there, i want to have a relationship with GOD, I want others to see his light shinking through me, i want GODs purpose for my life to be revealed and i want to live for him, i cannot do that if i have walls in front of me or hate in my heart, so this is me starting this long journey, the journey to peace and GODS purpose and plan for me.
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